Quotes!

 

 

All I have left of the tree is that lemon shaped rock. Wait a minute……there’s a lemon behind that rock!!

Aye caramba!

Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Cool, I broke his brain!

Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

Don’t have a cow, man.

Eat my shorts.

I can’t stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it’s from a rubber spider down your dress – Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa’s dress.

I didn’t do it, nobody saw me do it, there’s no way you can prove anything!

I don’t have to be careful, I’ve got a gun!

I don’t know! I don’t know why I did it, I don’t know why I enjoyed it, and I don’t know why I’ll do it again!

I never thought it was humanly possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Kiss you? But Dad, I’m your kid!

Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze?

My name is Bart Simpson,who the hell are you?

No, he’s pretty dumb. He’s in all the same special classes I am.

Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.

There’s no such thing as a soul. It’s just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Well, I’m not calling you a liar, but… I can’t think of a way to finish that sentence.

Well, you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if

What if you’re a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?

You kill ’em, we grill ’em!

 

 

Moe: Moe’s Tavern, Moe speaking.
Bart: Uh, yes, I’m looking for a Mrs. O’Problem? First name, Bea.
Moe: Uh, yeah, just a minute, I’ll check. Uh, Bea O’Problem? Bea O’Problem! Come on guys, do I have a Bea O’Problem here?
Barney: You sure do!
Moe: Oh… It’s you, isn’t it! Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I’m going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!

 

Moe: Moe’s Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I’ll check. Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Listen, you little puke. One of these days, I’m going to catch you, and I’m going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick.

 

Bart: (in Principal Skinner’s office) Hello, is Homer there?
Moe: Homer who?
Bart: Homer… Sexual.
Moe: Wait one second, let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Hey, come on, come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual!
Homer: Don’t look at me!
Moe: You rotten liver pot! If I ever get a hold of you, I’ll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!

 

Bart: (with Lisa)
Moe: Hello, Moe’s Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.
Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? A Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!
Wait a minute… Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I’m gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!

 

Bart: (with Lisa)
Moe: Yeah, Moe’s Tavern, Moe speaking.
Bart: Is Jock there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Jock, last name Strap.
Moe: Uh, hold on. Uh, Jock… Strap… Hey guys I’m looking for a Jock Strap.
Oh… wait a minute… Jock Strap… It’s you isn’t it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I’m gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.

 

Bart: (with Lisa) Is Mister Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.
Moe: Hold on, I’ll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey everybody, I.P. Freely!
Wait a minute… Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you’re dead. I swear I’m gonna slice your heart in half.

 

Bart: Is Oliver there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Oliver Clothesoff.
Moe: Hold on, I’ll check. Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I’ll cut your belly open!

 

Bart: Is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name Caholic?
Moe: Hold on, I’ll check. Phone call for Al… Al Caholic. Is there an Al Caholic here?
Moe: Wait a minute… Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I’m gonna kill you!

 

Moe: Yeah, just a sec; I’ll check. Amanda Hugginkiss! Hey, I’m lookin’ for Amanda Hugginkiss! Oh, why can’t I find Amanda Hugginkiss?!
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I’m going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs up your butt!
Bart: My name is Jimbo Jones and I live at 742 Evergreen Terrace.
Moe: Aha! Big mistake, pal! I knew he’d slip up sooner or later!

 

 

[Looking at a globe map…country being Uruguay] Hee hee! Look at this country! ‘You-are-gay.’

All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.

Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

Homer no function beer well without.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.

If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing

I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!

I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called…”The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down”.

It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is — and it’s me.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

Marge, you’re as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’

[Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?

Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.

When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.

 

 

Aim low. Aim so low that no one will even care if you succeed.

Bart, don’t make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.

Homer, I don’t want to leave Springfield. I’ve dug myself into a happy little rut here and I’m not about to hoist myself out of it.

Homer, you know how unpredictable the French are. One minute they’re kissing a woman’s hand, then next, they’re chopping off her head!

I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it’s brain food. I guess because there’s so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are.

I don’t hate you for failing, I love you for trying.

My life is pretty boring. The other day some Jehovah’s Witnesses came to the door and I wouldn’t let them leave. They finally snuck away when I went to make lemonade.

Rap music belongs in the rubbish bin! It encourages punching, boastfulness and rudeness towards hos!

There has to be more life than just what we see Lisa, everyone needs something to believe in.

This family has had its differences and we’ve squabbled, but we’ve never had knife fights before, and I blame this house.

Wow, three pairs of shoes! Someone had a fetish.

You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

 

 

A man who envies our family is a man who needs help.

Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don’t like?

Dad, women won’t like being shot in the face.

I think Bart’s stupid again, Mom.

I’m no theologian. I don’t know who or what God is. All I know is he’s more powerful than Mom and Dad put together.

Is your remarkably sexist drivel intentional, or just some horrible mistake?

It’s naive to think you can change a person–except maybe that boy who works in the library.

It’s not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.

Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and Chinese food, but I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!

You can’t create a monster, then whine when it stomps on a few buildings.

You know, you are not born with a soul. You earn it with suffering, hard work and prayer. Which hopefully you did last night.

You’re too much, Bart. That’s why I’m appointing you Secretary of Keeping it Real.

I’m proud of you, Mom. You’re like Christopher Columbus. You discovered something millions of people knew about before you.

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